Change Can Be Lonely

      Back to School!  Students moving into dorm rooms, buying textbooks, deciding which events to go to and always asking the question, "How do I fit in here?"  There is a certain energy, nervousness and anticipation that happens each and every fall.  This week when I saw the posts from friends beginning their lives in new places I was reminded of my own journey and the reality that sometimes change in our lives can be a very lonely experience.  For me, my freshman year of college was one of the loneliest experiences of my life.

Move in day 2014 at Cornell.  https://www.facebook.com/Cornell

     In the fall of 1998 I was entering college for the first time as a student at Cornell.  Unlike most students my arrival came earlier as a member of the football team.  My day was planned for me from 7:00am to 10:00pm with meals, meetings, practice, and film study in our own version of orientation.  In some ways that was a blessing and in others a hindrance.  When classes began I was enrolled in 18 credit hours and the football team required freshman to attend study hall from 7:00-9:00pm Monday through Thursday.  Furthermore games occupied Friday and Saturday and we practiced on Sundays from 10:30am - 5:30pm.  Consequently I did not have much free time.  Regardless of the schedule and demands of energy there was still a longing in my heart for connection.  It is the same reason why people who work hard all week long summon the energy to go out on a Friday night.  As a freshman I wrote daily emails to high school friends recounting all that was happening in my life.  Thankfully they let me write my quasi journal and even if they didn't read them they at least didn't tell me to stop writing them.  I started to talking to my mother more and telling her what was happening in my life and somehow overcame my revulsion to the telephone, but when I looked around campus I found myself feeling very alone.  

   There is something inside of us that needs a place to belong, a place where we can be ourselves, where we can laugh, cry, express our dreams, and be comforted in our fears.  However we all have seasons in life where that place feels very far away.  That was my experience as a freshman.  I knew that the predominant party scene at the bar and fraternities was not where I wanted to be.  My convictions were strong but at that stage it would have only been a matter of time before I compromised my beliefs for the sake of belonging if I had put myself in that environment.  When you are walking through a lonely season you have to be careful about what you use to bring you comfort.  Some of the deadliest traps are laid in the wildernesses of life.  I have seen many people ensnared because they did not learn how to walk through the wilderness.  

      When I think back on my freshman year I often wonder how I got through it.  At the time I did not realize how lonely I really was and in a way not being aware helped me walk through that time.  Life can be particularly challenging if your friends are loving their college experience and you are hating yours.  That kind of comparison can rob us of much joy and learning in life.  It is helpful to remember that Jesus went through the wilderness too.  In Matthew 4:1 we read, "Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil."  Sometimes God will lead us into a wilderness where we will be tested.  

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Here are a few things that I have learned about the wilderness seasons of life;

#1) It's a season and it will pass.  It may feel like forever but it is meant to only be a season.  You are there to pass some tests not live for the rest of your life.

#2) The majority of people around you have no idea what you are going through and they're not suppose to know.  Some tests you have to go through on your own.  You  may have the encouragement and support of a few trusted friends or you may need to become the one who encourages others.  

#3) The point of the wilderness is to help you understand where your strength comes from and expose any areas where you may be drawing false strength from.  When you are in a wilderness no one else can make the choice for you.  You are not able to rely on the strength of another and so you come face to face with who you are.  

#4) God is with you, even if you feel alone.  Faith must be more than something that drives us when we feel good.  It is as much a guide in the wilderness as it is in the glorious moments.   If you do not understand this you have a shaky foundation.  

#5) Usually the voices that have your best interest in mind are the fewest.  It seems particularly true in our youth that the advice of the masses seldom benefits our lives.  We need to seek wisdom to guide us through the wilderness.  The voice of peers tend to place pleasure above perseverance and immediate gratification regardless of long term consequences.  It takes discernment to understand which voices you are allowing to direct your life.  

#6) Discover small ways to encourage yourself and enjoy life.  At Cornell there is a bridge that spans this beautiful gorge on my walk to and from campus.  The gorge was very similar to my hometown and I would often stop on the bridge on my way to my dorm and enjoy the beauty of that place.  That place alone encouraged my soul on a regular basis.  

Sackett Bridge on Beebe Lake in Late Summer.
Photo by Pacifico Jude B. Savella Jr

#7) There's hope on the other side.  

I had no idea how wonderful the friendships would be that I found at Cornell.  They far exceeded my expectations of what I thought was possible.  If I had given in during that time of loneliness I never would have experienced the joy that those friendships brought to my life and the goodness of God through them in the years to come.  I am so thankful for God's faithfulness to me through that season and for the joy that was on the other side of it.  Let me encourage you today if you are walking through a season of loneliness that there is hope on the other side. 

The joy on the other side!

#8) Finally, the wilderness prepares you for the battle.  This is one of the most misunderstood aspects of wilderness seasons.  The wilderness is not the main battle but the preparation for the battle.  In Jesus journey through the wilderness the temptation came after being in the wilderness for 40 days.  The end of the wilderness is the doorway to destiny.  There is a desire to face the challenge and win.  When you win the victories in the lonely place you prepare yourself to win them in public.  Don't despise the wilderness but recognize the value it has in preparing you to win.  

Lucas' Birth Story

Everyone has a story and nothing invites others to share their story with you like having a child.  Have you ever been to a bachelor or bachelorette party where they want people to share advice?  It is an awkward portion of the event spotted with a few meaningful comments, a lot of repetition and a handful of weirdness.  When you announce to the world that you are going to have a child, subconsciously you are inviting others into a protracted season of advice giving generally done through their own story.  Admittedly this is much more pronounced for the mother of the child as the physical changes in her body more loudly announce this to the world.  In a miraculous way the walls of decorum, social introduction, and physical boundaries are removed.  You know when someone starts talking to you but skipped the introduction.  This type of thing is normal during pregnancy.  The Walmart clerk who prognosticates the sex of your child based upon their 3 second observation, the people who rub your belly, and those who like to share their horror stories with you while simultaneously explaining that having a child is the best thing in the world.  Pre-birth you politely acknowledge the stories and thoughts and if you have a measure of wisdom you recognize that no amount of information can fully prepare you for the experience that you are soon to embark upon.  So you listen and disregard some, file some away, and ponder others.

After the experience of our son Lucas’ birth I gained a whole new appreciation for the stories that are shared.  The process of birth has a way of reorienting your perspective of love, anatomy, and endurance.  I was telling Shelly today that parenting gives you a whole new appreciation for the depth of love that my own parents demonstrated toward me.  I’ve come to realize that there’s something cathartic for people in sharing their stories.  The kind of realization that makes me want to go back and listen to them again knowing that previously I was unable to fully appreciate the experience that was being shared and remind them that what they went through was worth the effort and sacrifice.

In light of that here is my story of Lucas’ birth…

Lucas is a restful sleeper

           Due dates are a funny thing.  They have a way of setting an expectation that can be surprised early or painfully delayed.  When we were told that our child’s due date was July 3^rd I did not want to set my hopes entirely on that.   Hopes are funny things that need something to hang their hat on.  Prior to the third there was a lot of work to be done and I have learned how to ignore those other thoughts when there is a task at hand.  We had been preparing our home for the arrival of our son and much of the work had been finished.  Interestingly one of my colleagues at school told me to look for a spurt of energy as a sign that labor was imminent.  That night after visiting some friends and family Shelly came home and proceeded to finish up her annual paper work for her job while I took a nap on the couch.  Whether I recognized it or not that was a sign.  On the night of July 3^rd as Shelly and I went to bed I needed to evaluate where I was placing my hope.  I asked Shelly if there was anything else that she wanted to get done before the baby came and she had a few minor tasks still on the list.  Something in-side of me had a sense that this baby was coming quickly and I said, “Okay Lord.  I trust you.  We don’t need to have everything on the list done, I trust your timing.”  Then I had the thought, ‘I better try and get some sleep.’ 

             My suspicions were confirmed at 4am when Shelly woke me up to tell me that her water had just broken.  As she called the birthing center I did what any smart phone carrying male would do in that situation.  I googled “what do I do when my water breaks?”  After a quick medical lesson, while Shelly showered, I decided to make some coffee and proceeded to pour the coffee grounds into the water container on the back of the coffee maker.  Thankfully I recognized my error quickly enough and said to myself, “Woodly get it together!” Our coffee maker stopped working shortly after that day.

             Shelly had decided that she wanted to have the baby at the Bassett Birthing Center in Cooperstown, NY and we began the hour long drive.  We were thrilled with the service and care that we received at Bassett and could not more highly recommend them as a place for giving birth.  Bassett has the lowest C-section rate nationally and we went in with a great deal of confidence that they would be able to provide excellent care.  As we drove past the hills and lakes along route 28 the morning fog was wistful off of the trees we both shared a great sense of peace and anticipation. 

             When we arrived at the hospital the doctored confirmed what I learned on google.  The risk of infection greatly increases after 24 hours of the water breaking and therefore we were here to stay at the birthing center.   Initially they hooked Shelly up to this monitor that was able to track that babies’ heart beat and her contractions.  As a dad that was pretty cool because I was able to see when the contractions were coming and how long they were lasting.  Many of them Shelly was not feeling at this point so we knew there was still a good ways to go.  Around noon they gave her some medicine that can gently help accelerate the process and between 3:30 and 4:00 it was apparent that Shelly had moved into active labor.  “Active Labor” is a term that they used in our Saturday birthing class that I was surprised somehow came back to my recollection.  Throughout the day Shelly was encouraged to move around.  We went for walks and she took several long showers as the water seemed to be helpful in accelerating the contractions.  Thankfully we were able to play worship music and have a chance to set a peaceful atmosphere in the room.  Our sweet nurse was also a Christian and was actually crying at one point as she commented on our approach to birth.  We thank God for His kindness to us and the incredible support that she offered throughout the day.  Shelly’s delivery went past her shift and she stayed through to Lucas’ birth.  

              As the day wore on Shelly was concerned that her muscles were tightening and that she might need some pain medication to help her get through the transition and pushing phase (more terms from the class.)  When we asked the midwife she patiently considered our request.  Interestingly our mid-wife was also a Christian and an amazing lady.  What I later learned from her is that when people want drugs it is often a sign that they’re moving toward birth.  Certainly we place no shame on those who have needed pain medication in their own deliveries.  From that point on she did not leave our room and soon we were also joined by the night-time nurse.  It became apparent that we were getting closer to the birth.   The staff was spectacular in offering Shelly encouragement, counter-pressure, and overall kindness.  Shelly was amazing!!! She was so strong and courageous through the delivery.  At one point our night nurse said to her, “Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you don’t have self-control.”  I was so proud of how she worked to deliver our son and saw a greater depth of the beauty that she possesses in that room.  There were several moments where I found myself holding back tears at the beauty that I saw in Shelly.  Words are not adequate to capture the intensity of those feelings. 

              At 8:06pm Lucas Alexander was born!  Immediately he began to look all around as they placed him on Shelly and put warm blankets on him.  In due course they weighed him in at 9lbs 4oz and 21 inches.  He decided to skip the newborn diapers and move right to size 1!   As the nurses worked to bring Shelly and Lucas warm blankets we were able to pray and thank the Lord for the gift of our son.  His alertness was the most obvious surprise to us as his eyes darted around the room to take in this entirely new experience.  It was after his birth that our story took a turn…

Shelly and Lucas snuggling the day after he was born.

             Shelly’s parents, sister and family had been waiting at the hospital in hopes of seeing Shelly and Lucas.  As we began to move forward Shelly was not feeling well and did not think that she would be up to seeing anyone.  We decided that I would introduce them to Lucas in another room and that Shelly would visit with them tomorrow.  I went down to the waiting room and shared the good news with them and said that I would be back shortly.  In the meantime Shelly was taking a shower and hoping to regain some of her strength. 

              When I returned to the delivery room the situation had changed significantly.  Shelly was feeling an intense level of pain and discomfort.  She had been so composed throughout the delivery and did not understand the intensity of the pain that she was now feeling.  Throughout this time I was able to hold Lucas while he slept in my arms and the warm hospital blankets.  Shelly’s pain was progressively increasing and soon she was asking for drugs to help alleviate the pain.  The nurses and midwife quickly brought in the doctor who explained that in a small percentage of cases a blood vessel can rupture and create a hematoma that quickly fills with blood.  After a quick inspection this in fact was the case for Shelly.  Shelly’s plea at that time was “just knock me out!” 

              It is inspiring to watch professionals respond to an emergency.  The doctor explained that he needed to relieve the pressure from the blood that was filling up inside Shelly’s body.  As I filled out surgery paper work they proceeded to get to work on taking care of Shelly.  The procedure required them to take her into the operating room.  We later learned that the two doctors who had been in medicine for a long time had never seen a hematoma that large.  Our doctor said it was about the size of a desk stapler and that through the surgery Shelly had lost about 1500cc of blood.  Coincidentally our doctor was also a Christian man whose daughter was a student at Cornell.  I recommended to him that she might find some good men at FCA.   

              As they were taking Shelly to the operating room Lucas and I needed to move from the delivery room to the recovery room.  As we packed our stuff up we moved into an empty room and sat in the glider rocker.  In the room I was able to spend some time worshipping the Lord and praying for Shelly.  At one moment I said to the Lord, “I’m not equipped to do this thing alone, so I’m asking you to bring Shelly through this.”  Lucas was so good during that time.  He was awake now and just peacefully looked around the room.  Soon after we were reunited and Lucas was able to get some quality snuggle time in with his mom.  Shelly’s parents who’d left the hospital after our initial good report and delay thought we just needed our rest, had returned to see her after the surgery.  Several of our family were able to enlist a cadre of prayer warriors during that time.  We were so touched by those who stayed awake through the night to pray for Shelly. 

Lucas and I in the glider chair in the recovery room.

              When you’re pregnant your body builds up a much larger volume of blood supply and therefore Shelly was able to endure the extra blood loss without the need for a transfusion.  However we learned quickly of the need to take it easy and let her body recover and build up its blood supply.  The blood loss gave us an extra day in the hospital followed by an additional day for a high bilirubin count for Lucas.  The light therapy and consistent feeding allowed us to leave after only a day of that treatment and we were so thankful to be able to come home.  We still needed to take it easy and had a longer process in establishing his feeding.  The blood loss also can affect a mother’s milk supply and extend the transition period for feeding.  Thankfully the Lord has brought us through all of those transitions and we are enjoying the very early stages of parenthood and the gift and joy the Lucas is to our family.  Shelly has come through the trauma of her surgery quite well and continues to demonstrate her incredible resilience and graciousness.  She’s an incredible mother and it is such a joy to watch her with Lucas.  I learn so much from observing how she parents him. 

Lucas on the UV light to lower his bilirubin count.

                The transition home was made immensely easier through the assistance of Shelly’s mother who spent a week and a half with us taking on the night shift of putting Lucas to sleep, changing him and bringing him in when he needed to be fed.  That was such a gift to us.  In addition we have been overwhelmed by the love and support we have received from so many people.  There is something uniquely special when people value and appreciate your children.  We are so blessed to know that Lucas has so many that love him and will support him throughout his life.  Children truly are a gift from God.  I have an immense amount of gratitude for those who have so generously and lovingly supported us through this time and continue to do so in such thoughtful ways.  God's providence allowed for Lucas to come at the end of the school year when Shelly and I were both able to finish our responsibilities.  In addition our leadership at Redeeming Love generously encouraged us to take the month of July off and we are so grateful for the ability to simply focus on getting health and enjoying time together as a family.  Their willingness to invest in the long-term health and stability of our family is tremendous and I wish that every pastor was able to have such a supportive group of people around them.  

Babba's special touch

Grandma Zacek's calming presence

          Thank you for letting me share my story.

Hanging Up The Whistle

Two years ago I was asked to be the head football coach at Holland Patent.  After having taken a year off I had no intention of reentering the coaching world but circumstances have a way of changing the landscape.  Our family had just experienced the miscarriage of our first baby.   Romans 8:28 says that "God works all things together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purposes."  Through the pain of that loss an opportunity was open for me to step back into coaching for the Golden Knights, a school and program that I dearly love and value.

There were many challenges but I was met with tremendous support from a variety of people.  As the coaching staff came together I was so impressed with the commitment and dedication of my fellow coaches.  We met several times at Jim Fruscella's house with large notebooks of paper and sketched out our strategic approach to the upcoming season.

We had a simple but grand vision, "Build Champion Men," and four core values:

1.1. Nothing is impossible

2.2. Self Control is the only control

3.3. Hard work is fun

4.4. Everyone is significant

As we met with the players we used the theme "As One."  It was incredible to see the players respond, and the work and confidence that they demonstrated.  I will always remember one night during training camp as we finished practice with bear crawls up a hill into sprints, Marc Grogan a junior at the time began to chant "We love the hill!"  It caught on with increasing volume and enthusiasm from each class.  On the last rep the players joined together with steam pouring off their bodies like steam off a river on a cold day.  The practice ended with a loud shout and I knew that we had hit on something special.

The following season began with a new leadership development track.  We explored the power of our thinking and how to replace negative stereotypes and fears with positive declarations.  In addition we held a winter skills and drills camp and regular workouts.  The coaches met and learned an entirely new offensive system utilizing an uptempo spread attack.  I felt like I was learning to coach all over again.  The summer began with a leadership camp out at Beaver Camp and we saw new leaders emerge for the team.  The senior class had not had a winning season of football and we were determined to see that change.  As the summer progressed we had cross-fit workouts, weight room sessions, team skill nights, passing league, and a team camp at Utica College.  The hard work paid off and the players finished with their first winning season.  The momentum was moving us in the right direction.  I find it difficult to remember the negative stereotypes that existed about this senior class because they so thoroughly disproved them this year.

I was really blessed to work with these players and their families.

At the conclusion of each season I learned that I need to give myself 3 months before I can make any clear decisions about the upcoming year.  It takes me that amount of time to regain my energy and vision.  Shelly and I learned that we were pregnant again and are expecting a baby toward the very end of June/early July.  After much prayer and thought I came to recognize that I needed to step aside from coaching during this time.  At a minimum head coaching requires 25 - 30 hours/week during the season in addition to the year round duties.  As I looked at my responsibilities I realized that I would only have 9 hours/week of time for my family and that was simply not manageable.  Living with that small of a margin would not be fair to my family, the football program, my church, or my students.  As Coach Fruscella says, "there's only so much pie to be sliced."  Therefore last week I officially resigned from my position for the upcoming season.

"Family"

There are many people that I would like to thank for their support during these past two years.  First and foremost I need to thank Shelly for being amazingly supportive.  Words cannot fully express how thankful I am to her for support of me during this past two years.   Second, I need to thank the incredible men that have been a part of the coaching staff and their supportive families as well.  Jim Fruscella, Brian Langley, Tom Ramos, Cliff Baker, Brian Briggs, Mike Sinacore, Rob Grogan, Austin Mann, Jordan Swalgin, John Richard, Bob Allen and Dave Rossi.  One of the things that I will miss the most is the regular interaction with these guys.  It is truly inspiring to work with a group that gives themselves so selflessly to help others.  Thirdly, I need to thank our players.  You guys are awesome and it has been my joy to be your coach.  Thank you giving yourselves so fully to our vision.  Fourthly, I need to thank the parents and families for your amazing support and belief in us as a coaching staff.  Thank you for hosting dinners, giving rides, making breakfasts, and giving us the opportunity to teach your children the great game of football.  Finally, thank you to the community for supporting Holland Patent Football.  Thank you for supporting our fundraisers and coming out to our games.  Holland Patent is a great community, football is a great game and the two were made for each other.

Go Knights!

"I'll miss the game days."

Valentine's Day Advice for Sigle Guys

In the spirit of valentines day I would like to share some relationship advice with the guys in my world.  
Along my journey I made my fair share of mistakes!  Often I was completely unaware of the pain I inflicted on others, and the shaky foundation that was being built.  Thankfully God has been merciful to me and today I am blessed with the joy of a wonderful marriage with an amazing woman.  It's my opinion that the potential benefit of entering into a covenant relationship cannot be overstated.  However it is the relational tools that we possess that dictate how much of that potential we are able to realize.  

We all experience the handicap of not knowing what we don't know when we make the assumption that our experiences constitute "normal."  When those experiences are filled with fear and pain many times we explore other unhealthy outlets to cope, trying to find an avenue to meet the core needs that we have in our lives.  The ramifications of this are played out every day in our news feeds, with our friends, and in our own lives.  The world is full of relational dysfunction, fear, and unhealthy family patterns that are leading people to a lot of pain and separation. 

Thankfully there are other ways to live life and know and experience the joy and benefit of committed loving relationships.  It is one of my passions to help guys build strong foundations and capitalize on the amazing union that God has designed for us.  

So here are 3 tips for the guys:

#1 - Spend time strengthening your friendships with other guys.  

A strong gift that you can bring to any relationship is a history of time tested friendship.  When you have long term friendships with other guys you learn and demonstrate an ability to stay committed to someone apart from sexual attraction.  Friendships allow you a forum to learn how to disagree and stay connected.  Proverbs 27:17 says, "As iron sharpens iron, So a man sharpens the countenance of his friend."  If your history involves a pattern of short but intense friendships that always end in pain and disappointment then you probably have some issues that you need to address before you consider entering into a marriage covenant.  Those relationships are immensely valuable to your future decisions.  

The strong male friendships that had developed in my life were the most pivotal influences for me in navigating relational waters.  Those guys spoke timely words that were painful at the moment but resonated with truth and love.  

"Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses."
- Proverbs 27:6 

www.creationswap.com

#2 - Develop an awareness of what is influencing you.

We are all under the influence of thought patterns in every situation.  The question to consider is "what influence am I under?"  Most of my life I was completely clueless to this reality and chalked it up to the mumbo jumbo of psychologists, not recognizing the intensely personal impact this had on my life.  My breakthrough came while coaching and reading the book "The DNA of Relationships."  I began to realize how a core fear of mine was causing me to react negatively in situations and live in a constant emotional drain.  When I realized that fear was guiding my thoughts and actions I was empowered to choose a different response.  It was such a dramatic revelation that it created an awareness of those influences in every area of my life.  My friend Aaron Livecchi says, "To rejoice with those rejoicing and mourn with those mourning implies us having a great deal of self-control over our emotions."

Pay attention to your emotions and the core beliefs behind those emotions for they will direct the steps of your life.  When you move in with someone else you will both experience an intense awareness of how well you have learned to control what is influencing you.  

#3 - Sex will distort your thinking

God designed sex to be beautifully explored in the covenant of marriage.  It is an expression of intense vulnerability and physical pleasure that has all manner of psychological and physiological impacts on our bodies.  Big problems arise when we move sex outside of covenant.  

Therefore you need to be very careful with the level of physical touch that you have in your relationships.  Danny Silk (www.lovingonpurpose.com) says, "Physical touch and time are the great accelerators of any relationship.  When we want something really bad, we shape our reality to justify our desire."  So many people prematurely introduce sexual intimacy into a relationship.  

Recognize that the attraction is healthy and normal but you have to make a choice in what you will let influence your life.  Don't let your immediate desire, destroy your long term plan.  If you are dating someone invite others into this part of your life and allow them to speak strength to you in this regard.  Your future wife will thank you for the value of your self control.  


Final Thought

There are a lot of amazing, talented, generous, and beautiful single women who are looking for guys they can trust.  It's time for us to man up and be those able to win the trust of woman's heart.

Clogged Drains and Prayer

The past few weeks we have had a major problem with our bathroom sink.  It had been slowly moving toward the decreased ability of our sink to drain.  Interestingly enough these types of problems don't solve themselves our sink came to the crisis point where it was no longer able to function.  So I did what any responsible tenant would do and began by purchasing Drano, then the Super Max Drano... none of which worked.  After trying the chemical options I moved on to clean out the trap to no avail.

Next I used a old wooden back scratch tool to scrape out the pipe (bye bye back scratcher), but still had not dislodged the clog.  Finally I broke down and purchased a fifteen foot drain snake, which I had heard are handy to have in any regard.   Even with the snake I was unable to break open the blockage that was clearly located down the pipe in the wall.  The clog mockingly defied all of my attempts to remove it.

As a last resort I mentioned the clog to my landlord.  Pause... Many of you are thinking, "Why didn't you ask your landlord sooner?  Isn't that what you pay rent for?, etc..." but for some reason I wanted to give it a go myself.

It's working well again!

Not surprisingly my landlord was able to quickly fix the problem the following day.  It turns out that there is a clean out for that pipe in the basement that has clear access and my landlord has all the tools needed for the job.  When I got home yesterday I sent him a text thanking him for his attention to the matter.

Here was his response;

"No problem, if anything comes up anytime, just call me, it's not a big deal."

Last night at our prayer time at church the Lord brought this to my mind.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." - Matthew 7:7


At times I forget to ask God and try to do it on my own.  Then I am reminded that He is always there and willing to respond when I ask.  I think my landlord's response is very similar to how Father God responds to us... 

"No problem, if anything comes up anytime, just call me, it's not a big deal."

The old chorus says it well, "Oh what peace we often forfeit, oh what needless pain we bear, all because we do not carry, everything to God in prayer."

Be Courageous, Be Changed

Throughout my life I was often intimidated to interact with people that I deemed more successful or more influential.  I feared that my communication would be a burden to them, and as a result I would shy away from those opportunities.  That paralyzing social awkwardness began as a child when I would hide my face in my lap when people made prayer requests at church.  I somehow feared that their presentation would upset the social flow of the service and turn people away.  When I was required to sell a box of candy for a boy scouts fundraiser I decided to buy the box myself and give the candy away.  In college this fear manifested itself in avoidance.  I felt unworthy to be a part of certain social circles and simply avoided them. 

My irrational fear came from a confused view of worth and a wrong attitude toward wealth.  Most fear comes from believing a lie about who we are or who God is for us.  I recall a tailgating event where two guys were talking about their watches and how they went about insuring them.  To them it seemed a very normal conversation but it caused me to want to crawl away in fear that my lack of wealth would prevent me from being able to add value to their lives.  It was not an overt insecurity but one that promoted an avoidance mentality in me of people that I perceived to be more successful or knowledgeable.  As a result I was missing out on some very valuable connections.  

Several years ago a minister had a prophetic prayer that I would draw on the friends that I had locally for the benefit of the church.  The prayer helped strengthen me in that pursuit.  Prior to that point I seldom invited my friends to come and minister feeling that any request would place an undue burden on them.  I failed to see that they might appreciate and value the opportunity to come and connect and serve, as I would for them.  As a result I never gave them the opportunity to say yes or no.  Since then I have learned that powerful people are okay with being asked and okay with saying yes or no depending on their own circumstances.

In the last year I have had the opportunity to interact with some of those "successful" people both near and far.  To my surprise not only are they amazing in their life pursuits but they have been wonderfully inviting in my interaction with them.  As a result I have been challenged to live from a higher standard in my interactions with others.  By connecting with them it has raised my vision for interactions with people from all areas of life.

Bob & Kathy Campbell are one of the wonderful friends that we have had the opportunity to interact with more this year.  (http://ignitedministries.org/)

Here are two key lessons from these experiences and interactions:

1) Have the courage to explore connections with people of influence from a wide range of disciplines.  Don't badger them or demand from them but also don't be afraid to open the door to relational connection.  It's helpful for me to remind myself that people are people regardless of what they have accomplished in their lives.  We all have hopes and dreams, insecurities and a need for love and encouragement.  

2) Treat all people the way you want to be treated.  Let the times when you have been treated better than you deserve serve as a motivation for how you can treat others.  For that to happen recognize that you may need an upgrade of experience to know how you want to be treated.  When someone whom you look up to and respect takes time to value you it should lead to a desire for you to do the same for others.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."
- Matthew 7:7

The Platform of Beauty

Have you ever walked into a beautiful building and said, "Wow look at the incredible foundation and support structure!" ... Neither have I.

We all recognize the importance of the foundation,  especially when it's not there, however the beauty is not the base but what the base upholds.  Beauty that is meant to be enjoyed and celebrated.  Imagine for a moment walking into the Sistine Chapel and not looking up to Michaelangelo's beautiful artwork,  but instead admiring the floor.  You would miss the magnificence for the mundane.  At times I believe we can make that mistake in our relationships.  We make the process more important than the person.

It happens with the best of intentions.  The young man who wants to be upright in his dating can forget to enjoy and learn about his girlfriend.  He begins to think the relationship is right because he hasn't done anything "wrong" or immoral.  It happens when a person becomes more occupied with keeping the house clean than enjoying the people who live in the house. Finally it happens in our relationship with God when our spiritual health is more defined by what we have done for God than the awesomeness of who He is.

Please don't misunderstand, the foundations are important in all those areas and without them things can go horribly wrong. The man dating needs self control and healthy limits. The people need a clean home to live in, and we all benefit from a level of discipline in our spiritual lives. The problem comes when we think it is only about those things. 

As a baseline healthy people have an expectation that others close to them will exhibit self control.  If we lack that in an area then we would be wise to not invite others into our mess.  Consider for a moment how you would set up your social calendar if you were not potty trained? It is a crude example intended to highlight the danger of our own emotional immaturity. If you don't possess it, limit your chances for exposure in deep personal relationships.  No one enjoys peeing their pants and no one enjoys the relational pain that a weak foundation allows. Take the time to build and strengthen those areas with people who are not afraid of your mess.  Then when you have established those foundations in your life you can fully enjoy the value that people bring. 

At that point it becomes important to recognize the beauty of the person. Apart from that it becomes entirely too self-centered.  'Did I screw up? Have I done enough? Etc...'  Sadly in that state you miss all the fun of life because you assume that everyone is watching and waiting for you to mess up. Or that they are condemning when you fall short of some perceived expectation.  Worse yet we tend to be our own harshest critic.  It really is a torment to live like that.

The remedy is found in the line of a well known Christmas hymn that says, "Come and behold Him, born the King of Angels, O Come let us adore Him."

"Come and behold Him."  Not go do everything right and the come but come as you are and behold Him.  "Born the King of Angels." Behold the one who has all of heaven's armies at his bequest yet comes as a baby so that we could understand that God relates to our weakness and dependence. "O come let us adore Him." When we set the beauty of God as the object of our affection and we "Behold the one who is the One," as Heidi Baker says, something changes. The force of His beauty transforms the dry and crooked heart and His love wins over the lost and abandoned.

The motive comes from the beauty of friendship. Friendship with God.  From that place we begin to possess a love that allows us to stop and see God's beauty in another. Slowly we're able to look past the dishes in the sink and all the little things that are incongruent with our preferences to the divine imprint planted in another and enjoy the beauty of God's creation.  We were always meant to prioritize God's people above all.